Embrace Your Negative Emotions
In my practice, one of the most common things I encounter is the avoidance of emotions, especially the ones that don’t feel good. We all must handle these negative emotions from an early age: Anger, Sadness, Fear, Shame… However, if our parents did not patiently help us understand how to navigate our own emotional worlds, but instead judged us for having these feelings, then we are likely still judging ourselves for these negative emotions. What if I told you that these emotions that don’t feel good are exactly where you will find the most joy and connection in your life. Instead of avoiding them, you can embrace these emotions and that can lead to greater emotional resilience, self-awareness, and personal growth.
From an early age, we are taught that happiness is the goal and that we should have high self-esteem. Maybe that sounds right to you, but let’s question it. These messages may have been reinforced by our parents, and they certainly have been reinforced by social media. We watch other people’s highlight reels of perfect moments, and we may feel that life should always be full of moments like these. But the reality is that negative emotions are an inevitable part of life. Suffering is inevitable. And ignoring these feelings does not make them disappear, in fact, it often makes them stronger, manifesting in anxiety, stress, or even physical symptoms. So maybe happiness is not enough, maybe we need a fuller experience of ourselves.
Here are some ways that negative emotions help us experience a fuller sense of self:
They help us understand ourselves
Think of emotions as signals going off in your body. Sadness may indicate a loss that needs grieving. Anger may be a sign that some boundary has been crossed. Anxiety could mean that something in our lives needs attention. Acknowledging these feelings can lead to valuable insights into our needs, values, and desires.
They foster emotional resilience
Resilience is not just “sucking it up,” rather, it is learning to move through the pain while sitting with the discomfort. If we develop a sense of safety while sitting in the emotion, then we start to build an inner strength to handle these emotions the next time they surface.
They improve decision making
Emotions are not meant to be in control of our decisions, but they are very useful tools. Negative emotions can help us gain clarity. For example, frustration with a job may signal to myself that it’s time for a change. Guilt can highlight areas of my life where I need to make amends. We can then use reason and logic to balance these emotions and make a well-informed decision.
They deepen our connections with others
Vulnerability is central to healthy and meaningful relationships. When we share how we truly feel, including our negative emotions, we create space for a deeper connection. We become more human and more relatable when we express things such as sadness, frustration, or fear.
They encourage growth and transformation
Transformation comes from discomfort and some form of suffering. These negative emotions can push us to reflect, reassess our lives, and then grow in a new and different direction. Without challenges we would have little reason to change for the better.
How to Embrace Negative Emotions in a Healthy Way
Name and Acknowledge: First step is always to simply acknowledge and name the emotion. Start with the basics: are you feeling Sad, Angry, or Afraid. Try to notice your own judgements, such as “I should not feel this way,” and gently remind yourself that all you are doing is naming your experience in this moment.
Practice Self-Compassion: Your negative emotions make you human and more relatable to others. Start to notice these emotions with compassion, giving yourself permission to feel anxious, angry or any other negative feeling. The feeling will pass, so let’s not judge it, but instead ride it out and get back to shore.
Express your feelings: We have two choices with our emotions: Express them or Act Them Out. Choose to express how you feel to trusted friend, a therapist, a support group, or you can journal or express yourself through some form of art, such as singing, dancing, drawing, or painting.
Take action when necessary and appropriate: Consider a small step you can take when your emotion is signaling that something needs to change. If you see a way to improve your situation, then this is the time to take action to better your life in some way.
God made us emotional. This is not accidental. Negative emotions, then, are not the enemy, but are part of a rich and colorful human experience. Remember that when we judge ourselves for having a feeling and turn against ourselves, then that emotion will inevitably come back stronger. By turning toward and embracing our negative emotions, we open the door to self-compassion, emotional awareness, and deeper connections. Happiness is not all there is, rather true and authentic connection where we feel understood for who we really are.
-Dr. Josh Kalman
